A summer tour coming to a town near you

Springsteen. Jagger. Sheeran. They all do it. Now you can add to the list: Johnson. Corbyn. Swinson. Farage.

They’re also on tour this summer and coming to a high street near you. Speeches will be given, babies kissed, letterboxes leafleted, farm animals harassed to the point that the RSPCA gets involved. You have been warned.

To show how in touch they are with the people, politicians tour the nation while most of the people are in other nations on holiday.

Those still at home must add to duties such as watering plants, feeding rabbits and rummaging through their neighbours’ drawers the task of dealing with visiting politicians.

Most people who go on holiday try to make it look as if someone is still in (curtains ajar, landing light on, lashings of Toilet Duck to stop burglars bad-mouthing your bathroom).

Those who are actually at home will try to make it look like everyone is out. If that doesn’t work, here’s what to do:

BORIS JOHNSON

The Prime Minister’s pledge to put “boosters” under the economy has been universally welcomed, with crowds of people gathering to chant the word. Well, the first half. He will hit the streets, determined to ring some doorbells and get his hands on some knockers.

Expect him to say: “Britain is open for business.” While standing in front of an empty shop. Brexiteers will applaud his can-do attitude.

Remainers will call him a hypocrite and hold him personally responsible for the collapse of Woolworths, even though he was just waving a big flag at the Beijing Olympics at the time. But that’s pick’n’mix politics for you.

JEREMY CORBYN

Having won that bet with John McDonnell to still be judged a worse option for PM than Theresa May on the day she was forced out of office, Corbyn is now playing double or quits to do the same with his new Tory opponent.

Expect him to say: An awful lot about anything other than Brexit. He’ll want to talk about fracking, hospital parking charges, the weather and how his marrows are doing.

There is only one way to get rid of him from your doorstep: tell him there’s a nice-looking manhole cover down the road that he should look into.

JO SWINSON

The Lib Dem leader is delighted to have a new MP after the Brecon by-election, if only because it’s someone else to help stop Chuka Umunna
defecting for a third time.

Expect her to say: “I stand before you as a
candidate to be Prime Minister. Stop shouting at the television and come and join us.”

You will reply: “I’m not shouting at the
television, I’m shouting at you. Get out of the way, I can’t see The One Show . . . how did you get in here?”

NIGEL FARAGE

The ultimate showman, he has been going round in a rock’n’roll tour bus. In the ultimate metaphor, it broke down this week and was abandoned in a lay-by.

Expect him to say: Anything. Literally anything to get on the news: Boris Johnson, the man who fronted Vote Leave, doesn’t believe in Brexit. Your children don’t believe in Santa. Nobody believes it’s not butter.

Ben Fox

Author: Ben Fox

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